First up were league heavyweights Gamma Roamers. Although beaten by Salmon once before, Salmon’s record against last season’s third placed team was often poor. But inspired perhaps by the background exhilaration of the giant-killing World Cup, our boys took to the field with renewed enthusiasm.

Right from the whistle the mighty Salmon seemed determined to show Brazil how it should be done, with determined tackling, well-judged interceptions and silky-smooth midfield combinations. It was not long therefore before a well-judged wall deflection from the north-west’s own Mike Hinchcliffe fell at the feet of Oinn. And with his unique combination of mad flailing and uncoordinated limbs he managed to slice the ball into the back of the net.

What could these stray radioactive emissions do against the city fish? Not much was the answer, and it was only from a rash clearance from the usually solid and dependable Rhodes that led to the Roamers clawing back an equaliser.

The second half saw the arrival of autocratic captain and player-manager Lew, whose lax timekeeping saw him miss the first half. However he only graced the pitch for a matter of seconds before a cynical ‘bodyline’ shot from one Gamma Roamer found him lying on the ground questioning whether his DNA would ever be replicated (something that happens most Saturday evenings). Luckily it was only a few minutes before he could stand up Lazarus-style and walk again.

In the mean time Mikey found himself with the ball, making a good break from midfield with only the keeper to beat. Unfortunately his precisely aimed shot only succeeded in hitting the keeper’s legs. However Mark Rhodes, fast making a name for himself as the Paul Phillips that Urban Salmon never had (but without the shouting or the disturbing smell), had had enough of this midfield passing malarkey and took the ball from the Salmon defence, beat everything that Gamma Roamers could throw at him, and smartly placed the ball in the back of the net.

The mistake that England made against Sweden, and didn’t make against Argentina, was then made by Urban Salmon. Being a goal ahead with only seconds to go, all the boys needed to do was defend. Unfortunately it was another rash clearance, this time from Shirome, that allowed the Roamers to equalise with barely 30 seconds left on the clock. Hey, if it can happen to Sven, it sure as hell can happen to Urban Salmon.

Vs Spicy Stiggles

Disappointed at not killing the giants, Salmon wanted to make up for it in their next game. And with the lowly placed Stiggles, they had the ideal fodder. Again taking a leaf out of Brazil’s pedagogical notebook, the boys in blue and black mined a particularly profitable seam of midfield gold and goalmouth platinum. First up were the boy Lew and Bristol’s own Shirome Bhandari, who managed to ricochet the ball off the woodwork a good few times before Shirome made do with the back of the net.

As your gallant reporter was marking down his Notes of History, Shirome went and did his best to avoid publicity by scoring another without yours truly seeing it, and now the world will never know the true story of that goal. It’s a shame, but next time he should wait like everyone else.

Noting that his brother was getting into the swing of things, Sumeet thought that it would only be right if he matched the fraternal scoreline, and with a trademark power shot, El Pistola made it three-nil.

A free kick in the opponent’s corner was always going to be dangerous for the Stiggles, and with a tactical set piece that would have made Svengali proud, The Bhandari brothers put another one past the posts – Shirome taking the kick and Sumeet creating the conversion, and equalling his brother’s tally for the game.

The second half saw a rare lapse of concentration as the SS (no, not the secret police) score practically from the kick-off by using a number of quality passes worthy of Salmon themselves. However good defending kept them in check for the rest of the half, and Oinn again managed to score with some random fumbling and misplaced shots to wrap the ball around the post from the corner. It seemed like the potential of the first two weeks was coming good again.

Vs Hardley Athletic

The writing was on the wall from the start with this one. On the way to the match your man on the damp and slightly odorous ground overheard one of the Hardlians saying, ‘Who are these guys, do you recognise them?’ As any fule kno, not knowing the way of the Urban Salmon is tantamount to conceding defeat, and there was only going to be one result at the end of this match (there had to be: only one match was being played, silly).

But it started inauspiciously. Shirome, wandering aimlessly around the pitch like a lost child at a fairground, forgot to mark his man which led to HA going one up. But luckily Sumeet had used the last game as a warm up, and a good position in the field added to a better turning circle that a black cab with a side helping of trademark power shot, meant that Salmon equalised.

Again the dogged determinism of Urban Salmon paid dividends, with no tackle untaken, no intercept unintercepted, no midfield passing manoeuvre based on a string of complex Aristotlean triangles unattempted. So it wasn’t long before the man in front of the goal was Sumeet, and the team in the lead were Urban Salmon.

Obviously overawed by the display of skill, one of the Hardley Athletes decided that playing for his side was beneath him, and a tight turn and a well-placed shot into his own goal put Salmon two ahead. He could have passed to Mikey, but in some respects it was better that he didn’t.

Shortly afterwards, the glory-seeking Hinchcliffe, who had been lingering outside the penalty area for most of the match, found himself with the ball at his feet and an open goal in front of him. As anyone faced with such a situation, he did the gentlemanly thing and scored. But the first half glory didn’t end there, and Sumeet rounded off his tally with another trademark Howitzer shot off the left foot, and slotted it through the legs of the keeper to bring up Salmon’s fifth.

The second half saw many more shots, and good passing, but none of it resulted in a goal. Hardley Athletic did manage to claw one back from a free kick, but the weakness of their name’s pun was only matched by the weakness of their scoreline, ending five-two down to the mighty Salmon.

Vs Gamma Roamers

The Roamers, concerned about their league position, were looking for a win and revenge for their own inability to win against Salmon earlier in the day. However they were messing with the wrong mid-league makeweights, and should have known better. For this was a match that was to bring out the best ever performance for Salmon’s frequently-disappointed supporters, and tellingly it resulted in a draw.

Right from the off Roamers had the bit between their teeth, pouring many shots onto the Salmon woodwork. However of all people it was Lew who took the early initiative, taking a leaf out of the Rhodes book of defence by making a Saudi Arabia-style run from inside his own half. And unlike numerous previous occasions when there was only the goalie to beat, rather than chip it vertically into the air or gently roll it into the goalie’s hands, the boy from the Orient managed to score.

However this proved to be an early blip, as Gamma Roamers went on to dominate the mid section of the match. Taking advantage of mistakes from the Salmon boys throughout the squad, the stray carcinogenic electromagnetic waves managed to score an uninterrupted run of five goals, three before half-time and two after. However this was a Salmon team with experience, and rather than cow down before greater skill as has often happened in the past, the boys took destiny into their hands and fucked them up proper.

They had seen them play. They had made their mistakes. But they had learnt. Chances would not be missed. Attacks would not be capitulated to. Failure was not an option. With all the venom of an IBG employee with a redundancy letter in his hand, Salmon fought back. First up was a Mikey free kick, which Sumeet sweetly converted. This began a Bhandari purple patch with El Pistola scoring three goals consecutively to bring Salmon right back into the game.

Mark ‘Silent But Deadly’ Rhodes, following in the footsteps of both Phillips and Gerrard, saw his chance from halfway inside his own half and powered home the equaliser. With two minutes to go the match was still there to be won. But when an immoveable object meets an unstoppable force, you can expect great football. And although both sides had their chances with even Gamma Roamers’ own supported admitting that that Salmon looked like winning, neither side converted. The match ended in a draw and Gamma Roamers were very, very pissed off. As the man says, this is what you get – when you mess with us.

After the evening’s events we caught up with the absent Wortley. Having been on equal terms with Sumeet in the top goalscorer table before these matches, he now found himself eight goals behind the leader with 12 to Sumeet’s 20. ‘I’m a sick as a parrot,’ as he may or may not have said.