The new season brings new teams, and the first of three unknowns of the evening heralded the start of the day’s competition. Having Mikey and John back from their summer sojourns and European training camps one might have asked questions about player-manager Kev’s decision to put them straight into the starting line-up. Indeed, Wortley’s insistence on carrying a sleeping bag on to the pitch raised eyebrows in some quarters.

And to start with that special Urban Salmon magic, the kind of football that can destroy the most hardened of Oriental superteams, was patently lacking. Seemingly content to merely walk around the pitch and observe the match with a disinterested air, no one seemed to be able to do anything against what was basically a fairly average side. The 100-mile-an-hour play was stuck in first gear.

The second half saw a return to the winning ways as the Salmon woke from its riverside slumber a bit. A couple of Sumeet power shots and a Shirome-Oinn-Sumeet set piece from a free kick put Salmon into a three goal lead. Espeed, clearly not as fast as their name suggests, did manage to claw one back from some unlucky bad marking, but that was all that they were prepared to contribute. A rather disappointing three points were won, and a bad omen was hanging in the air for the next match.

Vs Brazil

…The horror, the horror…

Forced to wear their away strip for the first time in their history, the advantage was against Salmon. Despite having trounced Brazil 7 – 3 in their previous meeting last week, things were about to change. Muttering could be heard from the crowd as Wortley wheeled a four-poster bed on to the pitch complete with pillows, duvet and everything. This escalated to worrying glances as the whole team appeared to jump into the bed and promptly fall asleep. (Please note that this is a metaphor and despite what you’re thinking no mass gay orgy took place – those reports are strictly untrue and all photographic evidence has been destroyed).

What followed was a dismal display as a lack of energy, marking, tracking back, and just about any goddamn basic football skill meant that Brazil had the run of the pitch, and slaughtered the Salmon with a 4 – 0 defeat. They obviously wanted revenge, and got it. Salmon obviously wanted to fall asleep, and did. Pathetic.

Vs Annodata

After licking their wounds during a 45 minute gap, Salmon had hopefully learnt from some of their mistakes. This new team were another unknown, but seemed particularly keen to allow Salmon to familiarise themselves with their elbows, particularly when the ref wasn’t looking. This didn’t affect Salmon’s new resolve however, and with the last match ringing like some particularly annoying alarm bell in his ears, Wortley proved that he could make a good shot when he wasn’t asleep, scoring the second of the match after Shirome’s first.

With an Oinn goal disallowed after the opponents pressured the ref into giving a hand-ball that wasn’t there, Sumeet and Wortley finished off the first half’s goal tally to end four up. The second half saw a sterling performance from Lew, scoring a goal that looked pretty impressive to me, but then I know fuck all about football and according to other team members was pretty much down to sheer luck. Well, not really, the finish was good and Kev kept his goal-a-week reputation intact. Despite one of the skinhead boot boys in the opposing team getting one back, a Mikey goal at the finish ensured an imposing score and a justified win.

Vs Cooper Gay

Their name might suggest a certain effeminacy, but this new team proved to be just as violent as the last. Except that once again Salmon could take it, notably in one incident where a player probably twice as high as Kev used all the violence his arms could muster against the diminutive defender, only to fail to have any effect on the Oriental’s persistence.

Outside of that the game started badly, but Wortley’s eye for a goal came good once again as he got Salmon off the mark. After pausing as one of the Gay team suffered an injury (a torn nail I think) the pink opponents got one back to end the first half level. The second half saw the teams closely matched, however it was Shirome who took advantage of some confusion to put the Boys in Black and Blue (© Reay-Smith Reports Journalistic Enterprises Ltd.) back where they rightfully belonged – the lead. Then, receiving a waist-height pass from Sumeet, Oinn executed a classy half-volley to seal the match securely in Salmon’s favour.

And so, like the Germans, Salmon had played unspectacularly and still come home with a good result. Nine points from four matches was not bad, especially when one considers how effectively they were dismantled by Brazil. But they will have to play better than this if their reputation from last season is to be maintained.